The Ninjirate

Half ninja, all pirate. 150% awesome

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Happy 25th birthday, Daniel Jacob Radcliffe! (July 23, 1989)

What is this magic?
Growing up, Harry was always one year older than me. And now i find out that Daniel Radcliffe is a year older than me as well… Well played.

(Source: danielradcliffedaily, via justlistener)

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Tales from the Table

It had been a long, but rewarding day. And the friends sat down to enjoy their drinks. Sore and aching, they are ready to relax and listen to their friend share a previous experience with them.
"Alright, It’s your turn" Rika smiles at Amelia.
"I thought we were all buying our own?" She smiles coyly in return.
"Bull Plop!" Evan interjects, "We’ve all shared a story, and it’s your turn now!"
"That’s hardly fair, you guys" Amelia shies away.
"How is it unfair?" Tania speaks up.
"I’m not like you all. I don’t have fun stories about being chased by a deer, or heroic tales of saving a ship from a giant shark, or hilarious antics in the woods caused by mischievous rangers… I used to be a thief, if you recall"
"We know that" Evan says calmly.
"Amelia," Rika smiles tenderly, putting a hand softly on her shoulder, "There is no story you could ever tell that would change our opinions of you. We won’t judge you for anything you’ve done. You don’t have to be afraid of us, we’re your friends"
"Well," Amelia sighs, "All right"

I wasn’t always successful, or conniving, or well-fed for that matter. I used to be a pretty average thief, in fact. I remember that I was living in Yjela at the time, and was incredibly homeless.
Luckily, I kept my ears open, and had the fortune to hear news of a coming party. A local Lord, who was known for his vast fortunes from trading, and his very tight pocket, was hosting business partners from around the world to celebrate their successes. Naturally, this sounded like an opportunity.
I gathered what little coin i had, and spent a week wooing one of the servant girls. I bought her little gifts, and talked with her during her free time, and even managed to buy her dinner. Finally, the night before the party, she took me to her place… her tiny, tiny, tiny little place.
In the morning, before the dawn, I got up and stole away with her outfit. I was a little sad about wronging her like that, but I really did need the money and food I’d be getting that night. Anyway, the night comes, and I go to the manor looking like a servant. We’re all herded into the kitchens, which feels a little awkward, but hells, I’ll go with it.
So, there’s this really obnoxious, large woman who’s definitely in charge, because she has the worst personality you can imagine.
"I warned you," She barks, "I warned all of you, that those who show up tonight in their regular uniform will become entertainment for the guests! Now, the rest of you lot get to serving; you miserable fools follow me and I’ll introduce you to tonight’s wardrobe"
SO, she leads us down a hallway, and into a small room. She has us strip, and adorn these scanty little garments that would make a courtesan blush. And then she takes us into the dining hall, which is packed full of rich-looking folk. At this point, I’m praying to whatever god hears an atheistic fool.
And then, by a stroke of luck, I’m saved! Turns out that we just have to dance exotically. Now, you may or may not know this, but this wouldn’t be the first time that I’ve danced for coin.
So, I do my thing, and I dance for as long as I can. I can tell I’ve caught an eye or two, especially this one guy who keeps trying to signal me. so, the time comes that I’m able to sneak away from the dining hall, because I need a fucking break.

He catches me up in a dark corner, and pulls me away into a closet.
"So, you’re here for the job, right?" He creeps on me.
I stutter out a “yeah”.
"Good. I brought this for you, I know you couldn’t have smuggled it in yourself" and he hands me a small vial filled with a powder. And then he hands me a bag full of gold, a key, and says, "Pull on the sconces that curl on the bottom, it’ll open secret passages. Also: you’ll get the rest of the money when the job is done" and turns to leave.
"Wait," I called to him, "I got the message that I’m here for a lord, but… which one?" I try to smile as wryly as I can.
He just whispers, “our host” and walks out. I’m like, this is creepy as fuck, but sure.

So, naturally, instead of trying to kill off the Lord of the manor, I decide it’s time to sneak the fuck around. So, I’m going from secret passage to secret passage, peeking into all of the rooms like, anything good to steal in here? NOPE. until I get to the Lord’s suite. And naturally, it’s gaudy as can be.
Only one issue: There’s this asshole picking the lock on the safe. I’m like, “The fuck do you think you’re doing?” And he flips a shit and turns around. His eyes are giant as fuck, but then he sees me leaning up against the doorway. “I thought you were someone important, I was so scared”.
"Having some trouble with the lock?" I smiled at him.
"Not at all… It’s just, not as easy as you may think" He stutters.
"I bet you that I can open that lock in less than a minute; but I’ll let you stumble around with it for another five. Okay?"

He agrees, but obviously isn’t liking my smugness. I give him his five minutes, and he’s still stumped. His time is up, and he steps away. “It’s all yours!”
I smiled, reached to the top of the four-post bed and felt around the knob. Turns out it was hollow; and the key was hidden there; just like i expected.
I grinned like a fucker as I unlocked the safe. I looked him square in the eyes, and said, “Split it the thieves way?”
"Well, that’s sporting of you" He said, somewhat amazed.

And then I opened the safe. We had an issue.
There was only one giant diamond in the safe. We couldn’t split it.
"Well, now what?" He asked.
I did the worst thing I’ve ever done to anyone. I told him where he could pawn a diamond like that.
"how is that a bad thing?" Anastania asked.
"You’ll see" Amelia shrugged.
See, I knew some people who were able to sell anything. I was also in pretty deep with them. I told him where to find them, and to say that it was was from Amelia; they’d know what it meant. He didn’t.

So, that took care of itself.
I made my way down through the secret paths, to the bottom floor. Since I was jaded about the safe, I thought it would be good to check for a treasury.

Naturally, I found a pathway that led me straight to the treasury, but it was guarded. So, what I did was make some noise in the hall; which meant that one of the guards would come to investigate. So, I stole through the passage. I snuck up on that ass who was still watching the door, and then put my blade to his throat. when his buddy came back, we had a bit of a situation.
"Shit, this isn’t good" said the one.
"It doesn’t have to be bad" I smiled, "If you’re willing to work with me?"
"Just… what are you saying?" the guard at my blade asked.
"Well, if you look the other way, I’ll go in and loot myself something shiny; and I won’t kill anyone. AND, I’ll let you catch a murderer!"
"Murderer?" They gasped. I just rolled my eyes. I let them in on my plan, and they let me into the treasury.

I was walking through the corridors, when I saw her. Brigitte. She was wearing the proper outfit, and looking very confused to see me. she pulled me aside, a little roughly, i might add.
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE, and where in Baator is my uniform!?" she yelled in a loud whisper.
"I stole it, i’m sorry!" I whispered back.
"WHAT!? WHY?" At this point, I felt safe in assuming she was upset.
"There is an assassination attempt on the Lord of the house in progress, and I’m here to stop it" I told her. She took a step back.
"That incredibly irate woman in charge of the household?" I continued,
"Madame Bellicore" She interjected.
"Sure. She is the one, I’ve figured it out. I’ve been gathering clues. She’s going to poison the Lord"
"I don’t think I believe you"
"Well, you should. It’s going to happen, unless we stop it!" I urged her. 
"We’ll settle this alright, We’re going to go see Madame Bellicore in the kitchens right now!" Brigitte huffed.
I fixed my clothing, and followed her to the kitchens.

The old gal was right there, upset as ever. “THANK YOU, Brigitte! YOU!” she turned on me, “Who are you, and what do you think you’re doing here?”
"My name is Amelia," I answered coolly, "And I’m here to stop you from murdering your Lord"
"I BEG YOUR PARDON!?" She practically roared, indignant at my accusation.
I began to explain that she had the perfect motive, as head of house she was next to inherit the vast fortune that the Lord would leave behind as he had no surviving next of kin; and I knew that she was going to poison him here… the best place to make it look like an out-of-town accomplice had performed the rotten deed.
That was when she, rudely, grabbed me by my already sore shoulders and shook me! She was nigh frothing at the mouth, she was so livid.
"We will deal with you, mark my words!"
She turned, had Brigitte grab the bottle of wine, and grabbed the glass by its rim so she could keep a hold on me; and we all marched out into the dining hall.

There was complete silence in the room as we entered. It seems that we’d interrupted something. All eyes were on us.
"Madame Bellicore," the Lord spoke up, "Whatever is the matter?"
"We have a thief, milord!" She said triumphantly.
"A thief in my house, tonight?" He asked, a little perturbed.
"Aye, milord. I’m sorry to say my eyes weren’t as keen, since I was bothered with the duties of the household and-"
"I didn’t ask for excuses" he barked sharply, "what did this thief steal?"
At this, Madame Bellicore stumbled, because she realized she hadn’t actually caught me stealing anything, and it was only an assumption.
"Uh, nothing yet milord… but she was lying!"
"Let her speak for herself then" He said, sounding tired. And with that, he bade me forward.
I told him that his head of house was hired as an assassin, as she was the only one he trusted to give him his wine. There were thieves in the house, whose sole goal was to sow discord whilst the foul plot ran afoot.

he smirked, and asked for a glass of wine. And, to show that it was safe, he had Madame Bellicore pour a glass for the guests to his left and right, and bade them drink. They both chuckled, and drank; and were completely fine.
"It was a clever attempt, girl… but I’m afraid you’ll be rotting in the prisons for trespassing, theft, and threatening a Lord" he motioned for me to be taken from the room and took a drink from his glass.
And then he started to choke. And a look of horror crossed both his, and his head of house’s faces. And then, he fell in a writhing mass on the floor until he lay perfectly still.
That was when the guards from the treasury showed up, spewing some nonsense about a gang of ruffians who’d attacked them, but they managed to drive off… and then they came up here to check on the party… and saw their lord on the floor.
Madame Bellicore was arrested on the spot when they found the poison vial in her apron pocket. I got to leave the manor, I picked up the bag of goodies I’d hidden outside a window, AND the payoff for the assassination. All in all, it was the most profitable set of crazy instances I’ve ever had.

"HOW DID YOU DO THAT!?" Anastania asked, leaning over the table.
"You guys really want to know?" Amelia grinned.
They nodded.

Well, Brigitte found me just after I’d dropped my bag of stolen treasures out a window and into some bushes; that way I couldn’t be pinned as a thief. And when she was angry, she ruffled my shirt. After our talk, I palmed the vial of poison, and poured it onto both shoulders while I readjusted my shirt.
I planned on going to see the old hag, and I knew she’d be a stern old thing… So I knew she’d grab my shoulders; and if she hadn’t, I would have tried to turn away so she’d have to.
And when she grabbed the wine glass by the rim, I almost laughed. I thought she’d grab the stem, and the poison would take longer… AND THEN, I dropped the vial in her pocket when she was steering me out of the kitchen. She wouldn’t notice it because she was pushing the door and in a huff.
I actually didn’t poison anyone, I just made it so that she poisoned her own boss! I’m actually a bit proud of that, to be honest.

Filed under The Ninjirate dnd

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You have never had an awesome best friend, until you’ve had a dragon save your life at the last second.

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All these stupid-ass, ill-informed, poorly-conceived, drunkenly-approved, written-in-fantastically-bad-taste, plot-lacking, stereotypical ( and therefore: superficial, misinformed, biased, disrespectful, trope-tastic) portrayals of witches in the media!

In short: I do not appreciate the continued misinformation based on a medieval, Christian, prejudiced, conception off witches. In no way are we immortal; in no way do we consort with any devils or demons; we are in no way servants of the Christian “Satan”; and we certainly are not doomed to/returned from “Hell”.

In fact: We consort with the Earth, we believe (generally) in reincarnation, we work together with the elements and the deities, and hell doesn’t exist (if you ask a witch).

P.S. Broomsticks have never been for flying. You absurd loons.

Filed under The Ninjirate witchcraft wicca